BPD.

6:26 PM 0 Comments

So I have this little part of myself I thought I would let you in on...most of my closest friends know about it but I thought I would set the record straight on what I have and what it is.  I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I was diagnosed last year and have been therapy to learn how to deal with, ever since.  I thought I would give you a thorough definition of this disorder, not many have heard of it and it can be a bit difficult to describe.  So, from the book entitled, "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me" by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. I give you the DSM's diagnostic criteria for BPD.  To be diagnosed as BPD you must exhibit five of the eight criteria.

1. The Relentless Search for Mr./Ms. Right
Unstable and intense interpersonal relationships with marked shifts in attitudes toward others (from idealization to devaluation or from clinging dependency to isolation and avoidance), and prominent patterns of manipulation of others.
2. The Impulsive Character
Impulsiveness in at least two areas that are potentially self-destructive (chemical abuse, gambling, etc.).
3. Radical Mood Shifts
Affective instability: marked shifts from baseline mood to depression, irritability, or anxiety, usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days.
4. Raging Bull
Inappropriate, intense anger, or lack of control of anger.
5. Pleas for Help
Recurrent suicidal threats, gestures, or behavior, or self-mutilating behaviors.
6. Who am I?
Marked and persistent identity disturbance manifested by uncertainty in at least two of the following: self-image, sexual orientation, long-term goals or career choice, type of friends desired, preferred values.
7. Always Half Empty
Chronic feelings of emptiness or boredom.
8. "Others Act Upon Me, Therefore I Am"
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

I wrote a whole bunch to describe what BPD is to me and it got erased.  I'm new at this blogger thing and it doesn't do so hot on Safari.  Anyway, I'll get back to BPD later...I don't think it's going anywhere any time soon.

 

This day it has to start.

5:02 PM 0 Comments

I'm a writer, I have always been, and I have put off writing for way to long.  I don't know exactly why.   Perhaps because I'm busy, maybe because I think I'll sound utterly cynical and pessimistic, or it could be I don't want to fail.  It's probably a combination of all three.  I'm going to try though and get past all that and just write.  Now here's the question: What exactly am I to write about?  How about how I feel.  I feel tired and miserable.  Not in a feel sorry for me kind a way, but the I don't how I got here and not sure how I'm gonna get out of it kind a way.  Deep under this darkness I feel everyday I know there's things I want to share with the world.  Conversations to have, experiences to behold and a comforting, weightless happiness to live by.  I cannot get there though to save my life.  Now I really sound depressing...but it's my reality.  I put my feet in front of each other everyday simply getting by and finishing the day.  My life is not a pit of despair, I do laugh and I am happy, but not for long.  There seems to always be this dark despairing presence in the room reminding me of what I cannot seem to get out of.  The bottom line is there is a lot of things that are previous, that brought me to this point.  It's the sorting them out, believing that I am making progress and the idea that I may eventually get out of this cave that is so hard to content with.  It's a mountain of belief, of hope for something I'm not sure is obtainable.  I desperately want to look forward, but it's the putting off looking at the past that has gotten me here in the first place.  I'm trying to make sense of it all but I confess to you now, I get so utterly confused in this darkness...that is it's horrible giftedness it has over me.  It's a fog of emotion, words, and memories that I cannot keep straight.  My head and heart are a blender of mush.  Mushy nothingness.  I'm gonna get through this one step at a time, I just felt today needed to be the day where I started to write about it.