Confessions from Sister Margaret Mary

I wake up in such utter despair sometimes. My peaceful, restful state regularly gets interrupted with such bullshit dreams. Dreams I know are intended to highlight something, to catch my attention, but rather leave me lonely and overwhelmed. For as long as I can remember I have dreamt of my family. Replaying memories of my childhood or some variation of them. For many people, when they drink, this very honest almost uncanny part of themselves displays itself. I'm not a big fan of drinking so for me that gut-wrenching honesty shows up in my dreams. In my waking life, I practice a lot of energy in controlling myself, keeping myself in check as far as what I feel and how I react to it. How I would really act if I would lose control and be uninhibited portrays itself in my dream life. Its almost embarrassing to share with others. I don't need this area of myself to be addressed or to be given any clout. Then again, in full humility I acknowledge that most of my dreams show some area of unforgiveness, shame or confusion in myself. And that's where the utter despair makes its entrance. From my standpoint, my life has been made up of very little progress in terms of growth for myself. I wake up in what I hoped would be a new start to a brand new day but rather I am avalanched with a mess of dreams to sort out and confront in a real and honest way. I most of the time slip into some sloth like state of pity, a depressed and angry shell of a woman. Feeling burdened and overwhelmed with the intensity of my subconscious and its power over me. It's all just so stupid, I say to myself and then go on with my day, starting some meaningless, mundane task that must be done but will bring no real change to my life and certainly no substance. It's endless, this merry-go-round of nothingness that I live in. I have so many coping mechanisms set up so that I can maintain some sort of "regular" life but nothing very profound. Just existing really. As far as the dreams go, they are constant companions or enemies, I should say. And the beat goes on.